Lights! Camera! Drama!
Netflix’s surprise hit Age of Attraction explores the old saying, “age ain’t nothing but a number.” A pool of 40 singles looking for love joined the show with one caveat—no discussing age. Hosted by real-life couple Nick Viall and Natalie Joy, who have their own 18-year age gap, the singles were able to speed date, white water raft, and zip line their way to happy ever after. Once a couple felt ready to commit to each other, they went to the Promise Room, where they were finally able to reveal their age gap and decide if they were ready to continue their relationship.
The cast members’ ages ranged from early 20’s all the way up to 60. One couple made it out of the promise room with an age gap of 33 years! And despite the cast members signing up for the very concept, each and every one showed a large reaction to learning the age of their new partner. One woman was shocked to find her match to be younger than her oldest child. Yet, they still decided to pursue their relationship together.
Since the show’s announcement, the public has had mixed reactions to the concept. Celebrities are certainly no stranger to age gaps (looking at you Bill Belichick), and honestly, many people know a couple with a large age gap in real life. So why does this show cause such complicated feelings? Everyone’s an adult who can be responsible for their actions and feelings, but societal expectations around large age gaps remain taboo, which is really what the show is trying to tackle.
Creator of the show, Rebecca Quinn, told Us Weekly, “We love that we sparked a real conversation […] Our goal was never to tell the audience how to feel, but to present the relationships honestly and let viewers draw their own conclusions.”
While this mission is valiant, as more and more news comes out about high profile celebrities abusing young women, it’s impossible to not feel some kind of way when you hear about this type of concept. And even if the couple comprises two consenting adults, it is impossible to ignore the inherent power dynamics that change with age.
One couple consists of 22 year old, Libby, and 38 year old, Andrew. During their courtship, Andrew admired Libby’s carefree, fun attitude. One that naturally comes with being 22 years old. Andrew, self proclaimed “hot young dad,” has 2 daughters, the oldest being 14. He came into the experience emphasizing his desire to be with a younger woman and that Libby was just his type: Blonde.
So, again, why does this matter at all? A 22 year old is legally an adult, and has stated she wanted to date an older man. But think objectively about where a 22 year old is at in life. Libby is a social media manager, right out of college living in San Diego. Andrew owns a bar and has two children, co-parenting with his ex, in Baltimore. Libby was 2 years old when Andrew had his first child. Looking at comments online, many viewers have noted that it seems like Andrew is dating younger to make up for lost time. One commented:
“I’m thinking from listening to him, that he feels like he’s missed out on his 20’s […] He probably wasn’t mature even then so he’s trying to make up for his lost partying days now […] Perhaps in a few years he can go and pick up his eldest and Libby from their night out lol.”
And (spoiler!) the couple still seem to be together, with Andrew discussing the possibility of Libby moving to Baltimore to bring their relationship to the next phase. And behind this fairy tale ending is the reality: Libby’s needs/wants will inherently hold less value. The reality of dating a single parent is that their kids will always come first. Secondarily, if they’re co-parenting, they will continue to take their ex’s’ needs into account, too. While there is nothing wrong with dating a single parent, it might be a more daunting task to a 22-year-old than older others. If Libby had already experienced a marriage, divorce, or having children, maybe it would even the playing field. It feels unfair to throw her into that situation when she is so young, no matter how good the connection with Andrew is.
Now, it’s hard to discuss these kinds of things without sounding like you’re trying to police people living their own lives. But the reality is, people will be judging regardless—it’s a reality TV show. So if it makes the couple happy power to them, but if you’ve ever visited r/amitheasshole or watched an episode of The Bachelor, you might have an inkling as to how some of these relationships might end up.
No, I don’t think dating someone with a significant age game will work out well. Lived experiences are so different with significant age gaps, outside of the fairytale of the reality show set. And there is the reality of having to care for an aging spouse, which might sound selfish, but is an intensive (and potentially expensive) possibility. I don’t subscribe to the idea that there is only one person for everyone, so I think the best relationship to be in is a relationship where everyone is on an even footing. And in many situations involving significant age gaps, I don’t see each person being emotionally, financially, or physically on even footing. Removing me from the real world to live in the picturesque Canadian woods would make me forget all that stuff too.
So date who you want! After all, age is just a number…